My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
