i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
