it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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