So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
