It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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