Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
