Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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