I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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