Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
