I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
