after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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