The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
