I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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