and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The air was thick with penises
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
