I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
