i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
