Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
