I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
