as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize