We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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