Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
