All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He shit in the fireplace
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