So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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