If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
