I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
