I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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