You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
