be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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