she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
