Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
