i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
