awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
