Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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