Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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