to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
