i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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