well I can't set my house on fire every night
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
