Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
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someone owes me an orgasm
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
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i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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