Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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