My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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