Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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