Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.