he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
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