What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
