I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
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Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
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still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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