you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
