I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
