He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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