your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
