So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
