Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
