it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
