At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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