Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
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I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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